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Health & Fitness

You Can't Fit Pizza Slices Into A Juicer

Where a habitual fast food addict realizes that "having It his way" was killing him one greasy, deep-fried French fry at a time.

So, I had been hearing about this film "Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead." Thanks to the beauty of Netflix and its streaming movies, I finally had a chance to watch it. It's not often a film has affected me the way this one did. The only other two movies I can think of that moved me like this were "Hedwig & the Angry Inch" and "Rebel Without a Cause." (What can I say? I am moved by strange things!)

Anyway, "Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead" chronicles the journey of an Australian named Joe Cross as he travelled across the United States for 60 days subsisting on a purely liquid fruit and vegetable diet. Joe was overweight and suffered from an awful skin condition that caused him to break out in large painful sores all over his body. In his journey, Joe stops and talks with Americans about their diets and what they eat and why they eat it.

You know what's scarier than "The Exorcist?" The average American's diet. We eat so many things that are wrong for us, it's downright criminal. You know how they put those warning labels on cigarettes saying how terrible they are for us? They should be putting those same warnings on most of the things we're buying and consuming at Foodtown and ShopRite.

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At the end of the two months of living on nothing but veggies and fruits juiced in his portable juicer in the back of his car, Joe had not only lost almost 80 pounds but his skin condition had disappeared.

OK, that's a pretty good argument, right?

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From this film, I moved on to watching another called, "Forks Over Knives." This documentary showed in great detail just what our consumption of red meat, dairy and other processed foods actually does to our bodies.

Guess what? They are KILLING US!

Now, I will cop to the fact that I have enjoyed a life of worshipping anything deep-fried I could ever find and devour. Deep fried with cheese? Even better.

My wife is Jewish. She had no idea what gravy was until I met her. My family is from Ohio. What we don't put cheese on, we smother in gravy. And, if we can get away with it, gravy AND cheese.

I'm not a stupid man. I had always said to myself it wasn't a matter of IF I would ever have a heart attack but WHEN I would have one. Did that thought ever stop me from enjoying the pleasures of Dunkin' Donuts or the infamous McRib? No. It did not.

I live in Lake Hiawatha. I am never going to get shot in a drive-by on Beverwyck, but I sure as hell was probably going to drop dead of a massive coronary at Applebee's (their onion rings are like little greasy, battered hoops of heaven).

So, after watching these two films, I said to myself, "It's as good a time as any to get my act together because I'm not getting any younger."

So, I went out and bought a juicer and loaded up a basket with green things at the grocery store.

Now, you have to realize something: My wife has told the kids for years that I was actually allergic to vegetables to explain why I never ate any. For 50 years, I considered two things vegetables in my diet: ketchup and mashed potatoes. So, for me to be buying parsley, tomatoes, cucumbers and carrots is a lot like my father-in-law, the rabbi, picking up a honey-baked ham for Passover.

I'm now on Day 3. Yesterday was tough. Headache. Felt like my stomach was digesting itself. Foggy feeling in my head. But the worse part of the day was probably my wife and kids sitting down to pizza and mozzarella sticks at dinner. But, it was OK. I juiced up a handful of carrots and parsley and gulped it down.

Sure, it may not taste that great but maybe this way I can live longer to annoy my family. At least I have that to look forward to in my life.

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